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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jun 7, 2018 12:08:27 GMT
Picked up hitch hiker last night.... he said, I am surprised I got a ride in this day and age.... how did you know I wasnt a serial killer?
I replied.... the chances of their being two in the car, are astronomical.
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jun 9, 2018 20:25:11 GMT
My  tells me he is shagging twins who both like to take it up the arse I said that sounds great, but how do you tell the twins apart? he said, thats easy Sally has got massive tits and a nicely shaved pussy. and Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks  |
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Post by andri on Jun 10, 2018 7:11:29 GMT
Oh dear lol
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 3, 2018 7:29:07 GMT
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked"...
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing i was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank"... With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when
I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock"....
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 6, 2018 13:30:17 GMT
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 9, 2018 21:26:25 GMT
A fat bird stands up on a table in a crowded bar and shouts "If you can guess my weight, you can shag me!"
A guy shouts back "About 93 stone, you fat ugly cow!"
She replies "That's close enough, you lucky bastard!"
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 10, 2018 1:33:52 GMT
Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 10, 2018 9:10:30 GMT
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me,
Give me the drugs"... She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker"....
He casually replies, "If you remember,
I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, "fuck off it'll be too painful".....
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 12, 2018 20:57:20 GMT
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out so he has a quick look for it, as he’s on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still can’t see it so he knocks on the door. There’s no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the happy jappy chappy. "Alright , where’s your bin?" asks the dustman "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says "No , where’s ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man " " says the dustman... "you’re misunderstanding me...Where’s your wheely bin?" "OK, OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank" |
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Post by andri on Aug 13, 2018 1:26:26 GMT
Oh my lol
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Post by Nats on Aug 22, 2018 23:28:15 GMT
The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says,
"Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart aleck, cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth", says the old man.
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Post by Nats on Aug 23, 2018 2:02:55 GMT
IDIOT SIGHTING.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
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Post by Nats on Aug 28, 2018 2:11:35 GMT
A young maori from Whanganui moves to Palmerston North and goes to a big "SELL OUT SALE" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah bro. I was a vacuum salesman back in Whanganui."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked this maori kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
...
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Palmerston. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Whanganui, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The maori boy took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically),
"So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the dafark did you sell?"
The maori boy says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss goes "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The maori boy goes "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Bro, your weekend's FARKED, you should go fishing!!!!!!!"
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Post by Nats on Sept 4, 2018 1:00:51 GMT
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.'
'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds....And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
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Post by Nats on Sept 4, 2018 2:05:55 GMT
My first drink with my son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it – so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.
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Post by Nats on Sept 4, 2018 21:29:34 GMT
John and his Filipina wife Nody are veging out on the couch watching telly.
John has the remote and keeps changing between the porn channel and the fishing channel.
After a while Nody gets the shits with all the changing and yells;
For fuck sake John, will you stop changing those channels!!
Just leave it on the fucking porn channel, you already know how to fish
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Post by andri on Sept 5, 2018 11:12:09 GMT
John and his Filipina wife Nody are veging out on the couch watching telly. John has the remote and keeps changing between the porn channel and the fishing channel. After a while Nody gets the shits with all the changing and yells; For fuck sake John, will you stop changing those channels!! Just leave it on the fucking porn channel, you already know how to fish 🤣 |
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Post by Nats on Sept 8, 2018 0:15:11 GMT
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
Tonto McTavish the man replied.
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Post by Nats on Sept 9, 2018 0:43:26 GMT
A Chinaman, a German and a Kiwi are working on a high rise construction site.
At lunch time, they sat down together and opened their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, if I get dumpling again, I gonna jump off the building". The German looked inside and said, "Man, if I get Sauerkraut and Pickle again, I vill jump off zee building too". The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes if I get fush and chups again, I'm gonna jump off this building as well'! The next day at lunchtime, they open their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, DUMPLINGS!!!". He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The German looked inside and said, "Mann, SAUERKRAUT AND PICKLE!!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes, FUSH AND CHUPS!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died.
At the funeral, the Chinaman's wife said, "If I know he no like dumplings, I will have make something different". The Germans wife said, "If I know he doesn't like Sauerkraut and Pickle, I would have made something different." Everyone looked at the Kiwi's wife. She said, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch".
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Post by Nats on Sept 9, 2018 4:07:15 GMT
NUDE BEACH ....... !!!
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets
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Post by Nats on Sept 10, 2018 3:14:47 GMT
SENIOR SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Post by andri on Sept 11, 2018 2:25:56 GMT
🤣
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Post by Nats on Sept 21, 2018 0:10:25 GMT
Bob and the Blonde
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm News was coming on.
The news-crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump ?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on !"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm News, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money....
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Post by Nats on Sept 26, 2018 2:02:08 GMT
Always carry One Tie on your travels… A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water! "Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5." "Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!" “Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me an infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go in  !” Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won't let me in without a tie”! |
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Post by Nats on Sept 30, 2018 20:56:26 GMT
Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ........
Who in the hell is Larry?
Well, Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233
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