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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Aug 4, 2015 13:04:15 GMT
Little Johnny gets a new teacher for his infant class. Her name is Mrs Franny, but unfortunately, all day long, Johnny refers to her as Mrs FANNY! At the end of the day, in order to avoid further embarrassment, she takes Johnny aside, and tells him to practise saying "Franny with an "r" " all night, so as to have it right in the morning. Sure enough, all the way home, Johnny is repeating to himself "Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r" ". He gets home and has his tea, all the time saying "Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r" ". As he goes up to bed, he's STILL saying "Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r", Franny with an "r" ". He falls asleep saying it, and even wakes up the next morning mumbling it. All through breakfast, and even on the way to school, same thing. Finally he walks into the classroom, and calls out... "Good morning Mrs CRUNT!" |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2015 1:00:07 GMT
Aussies who would have them??? 
Australian Government Pipe Specifications
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1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centred on the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length -- do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) -- otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. The pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that our man on site can put water, steam or other stuff inside at a later date.
5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)
6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.
7. Pipes over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8. All pipes over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30-degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2015 1:41:17 GMT
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Post by rita on Oct 27, 2015 1:48:12 GMT
I got all that But I am of Australian stock  |
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Post by byzance on Oct 27, 2015 9:38:30 GMT
I got all that But I am of Australian stock That'll be why God is watching you...... |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2015 22:33:09 GMT
Just found this on FB obviously the person has been trying to ring the Beehive. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 2:25:22 GMT
 Whilst in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way.... No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week... Fall off by itself!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 3:10:50 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Dec 5, 2015 12:03:50 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Dec 5, 2015 12:04:37 GMT
On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as quite informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 18:25:37 GMT
Ooooh! I might steal that for a nutter I know. |
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Post by Nats on Dec 5, 2015 19:14:24 GMT
'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends...... it will be their laugh for the day.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2015 20:27:55 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Dec 5, 2015 21:19:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2015 18:02:08 GMT
How tough are Australian men??? The scene is set: It’s a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins... Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends' Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today' Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Dec 14, 2015 3:30:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2015 20:21:39 GMT
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she
hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the
outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and
fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and
yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the
outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that
hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to
see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks
around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with
this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the
hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then
starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks
in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2015 20:59:40 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Dec 18, 2015 22:01:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2015 19:03:29 GMT
English humour at its best.( English radio station) Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of between £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon. An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United) and being told: “That will be ten quid,  ". "What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!" The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!" |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2015 21:36:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 4:17:44 GMT
Irish Rules
Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland, and now my name is Mike.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jan 16, 2016 14:27:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2016 18:14:13 GMT
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:
North American men between 60 and 70 years of age, will on average, have sex one to two times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese.
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jan 19, 2016 4:27:53 GMT
Thanks cappy....I needed that
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