|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jan 31, 2018 12:31:55 GMT
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
|
|
|
|
Post by andri on Jan 31, 2018 18:02:14 GMT
Another bill going to get fired  |
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 4, 2018 9:37:59 GMT
Guy: " Hey, I really like your dress." Girl: "Thanks, it was 50% off." Guy: "I'd really like it 100% off." Girl: "They can't do that, That's no way to run a business."  |
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 4, 2018 9:40:43 GMT
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these,Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy.He notices a 6 pack and asks, Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 4, 2018 21:25:43 GMT
Paddy and Mick are on holiday and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads "Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and earn £200".
So Mick goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out yelling "Fuck that, I can't breathe, them fuckin flies are in my mouth!" ..."You'll never do it Paddy"...Paddy says"No sweat, Mick, get me in there"..So Paddy goes in and spends the full 10 minutes in the room then comes out...Mick says"Fuckin hell Paddy!! How the fuck did ya do that?"...
Paddy says "Easy Mick, I done a shit in one corner and sat in the other!".
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 21:35:29 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 4, 2018 23:18:04 GMT
I was walking down the road today and saw Paula Bennett getting mugged by six big blokes. My partner said are you going to help. I replied no I think six is enough |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 3:29:01 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 6, 2018 10:01:39 GMT
I realised today, that I may have a road rage problem, when my grandson started yelling, "Pick a fuckin lane cuntface" While I was pushing him around in the shopping trolley at the supermarket.  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 10:04:22 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 9, 2018 3:31:42 GMT
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 3:43:36 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 9, 2018 21:37:09 GMT
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 21:39:44 GMT
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 21:47:09 GMT
An oldie but a Pam Ayres goodie.
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 10, 2018 23:03:55 GMT
I will always remember my grandfathers final words STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!!!! |
|
|
|
Post by Nats on Feb 14, 2018 0:04:54 GMT
Did you know that Statistically, six out of Seven dwarfs are not HAPPY  |
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 25, 2018 7:29:27 GMT
Made the mistake of asking Siri "what does a woman want?" My fuckin phone hasnt stopped talking for five days. |
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 25, 2018 13:54:06 GMT
A brand new drug has just been released to treat depression in lesbians Its called Trycoxagain |
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 25, 2018 17:05:03 GMT
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too,
but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I plomise you,
I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?"
he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request).
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls...
Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Nats on Feb 25, 2018 18:54:07 GMT
Best birth control
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 27, 2018 18:56:17 GMT
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
|
|
|
|
Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 28, 2018 8:28:45 GMT
A weasel walks into a bar The bartender says, "this is amazing, I have never served a weasle before... what can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 8:33:50 GMT
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 8:34:52 GMT
|
|
