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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 28, 2018 10:21:32 GMT
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 28, 2018 10:40:55 GMT
How do you tell how heavy red hot a chilly pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now. |
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Feb 28, 2018 12:49:25 GMT
After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, "We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy."
The second blonde said, "Do you know what three way is?"
I replied, "Yes, it's the name of the dog in Hart to Hart."
Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that if they want to get the better of me, I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2018 20:49:22 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 1, 2018 10:32:44 GMT
lil Hone was at nanny's whare playing with all the other kids..he came running inside..."hey nan," he said, "what's it called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"..
nanny was a little shocked, but she decided to tell her moko the truth.."Its called sexual intercourse," she said...
"oh ok," said Hone, and went back out to play...
a few minutes later he came running back in and was real angry.."what's the matter kare," she asked...lil Hone stood there with his hands on his hips..
"geeze nan," he growled,"its not called sexual intercourse!..its called bunks..and aunty Mere is coming over right now to have a korero with you!!"
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 2, 2018 1:29:49 GMT
I was going to post a time travel joke, but you guys didnt get it.  |
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 5, 2018 19:24:51 GMT
A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realising her mistake, she starts praying to God:
"God, I know I did a bad thing But my marriage is the only thing that makes me happy. Please don't let my husband find out."
She hears a voice from above: Okay my child it will be. But the only condition is, years from now you're going to die by drowning.
The woman agrees. The next years of her life become wonderful. She even wins the lottery and starts a successful business. Forgetting her conversation with God, she books a vacation on a cruise ship. During her cruise, the ship starts sinking. Remembering her faith, she starts praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown a whole ship full of people because of me right?
She hears a familiar voice once again: "Are you kidding me? I've been gathering you fucking whores for years.
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 6, 2018 23:19:46 GMT
Old woman turns to her husband in church and says, "I have done a silent fart, what should I do?" The husband replied PUT SOME NEW BATTERIES IN YOUR HEARING AID!!!! |
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 8, 2018 6:34:38 GMT
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!" |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2018 6:35:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2018 6:50:26 GMT
*rolls eyes*  |
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Post by Nats on Mar 8, 2018 21:41:19 GMT
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it.. couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Gym, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14 My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 8, 2018 23:09:56 GMT
According to a recent survey, the average cost of a meat pie in Cuba is $0.25 cents more than on the neighbouring island of Puerto Rico which sells them for approximately $1.50. These are the true pie rates of the Caribbean. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2018 23:14:43 GMT
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Post by Nats on Mar 11, 2018 2:49:38 GMT
Two Women were chatting in office..
Woman 1:"I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??
Woman 2:"It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??
Woman 1:"Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
Husband 1:"How was your evening.. ??
Husband 2:"Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep.
What about you ??
Husband 1:"It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!
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Post by Nats on Mar 12, 2018 23:42:10 GMT
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.
She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points.
I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.
EDITORS NOTE:
George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his arse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defense that he had accidentally sat on it.
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Post by andri on Mar 13, 2018 3:42:28 GMT
At a couples conference the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected that 85% of husbands don't know their wives' favourite flower. Rangi turned to his wife with a proud smile on his face, winking at her as he whispered: "It's self-raising aye?"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2018 3:53:13 GMT
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Post by Nats on Mar 27, 2018 22:10:08 GMT
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
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Post by Nats on Mar 30, 2018 22:27:36 GMT
Just asking for a friend???
If having sex for money makes you a hoe,
does giving it away for free allow you to register as a non profit organization?
asking for a friend..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 20:54:42 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 21:42:57 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Apr 12, 2018 20:28:16 GMT
The wife came home with some Icecream.... she says, do you want some?... I said, how hard is it... she said... as hard as your cock when you think of me naked. I said Go on then love, pour me a glass |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 21:06:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 21:43:25 GMT
 *pour* *nods
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