The Joke Thread

A police officer stopped at the farm yesterday "i need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said "Ok.. Thats allgood, but dont go in that field over there"..
The officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, the arogant officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucken badge?!.. This badge means i am allowed to go wherever i wish.. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?"..
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, i heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by my big mean bull.. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that hed sure enough get smoked before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs..





"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"..

I think that has just gone straight over my head.
I don't get it.

Don't under estimate the old folk

An old man, Mr Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a bit senile, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing.

Best little Johnny





Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word 'ears', he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be buggered if he needed glasses.'

A pregnant lady who was 3 months pregnant fell into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks about her baby.

Doctor: "You had twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Both healthy and luckily your brother named them."

Woman: " Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"

Doctor: "Denise"

Woman: "Oh that's not bad! What did he call the boy?"

Doctor: "Denephew"

I dont get that one

Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession. As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

The mother was puzzled at first… she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size’

she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'












Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.







The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this storeONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.