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Post by Nats on Jul 17, 2019 2:38:36 GMT
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.
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Post by Nats on Jul 21, 2019 23:00:41 GMT
WARNING TO LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE!!! You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to Mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My arse was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new arse was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to Me next? When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', Look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere Every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to Laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!! P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do that?  |
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Post by Nats on Jul 22, 2019 2:20:56 GMT
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.
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Post by Nats on Jul 23, 2019 21:34:44 GMT
Jacinda walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure Sister. Could you please show me your ID?"
Jacinda:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jacinda Adern, leader of the labour Party and prime minister of New Zealand !!!!"
Cashier:"Yes Sister, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Jacinda : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Ms Adern, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Jacinda :"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look ms Adern, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, ms Adern, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Jacinda stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Ms Adern?
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Post by Nats on Jul 28, 2019 1:53:47 GMT
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the wash cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mummy, where's my wash cloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Never going back to that doctor again........... never.
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Post by Nats on Jul 28, 2019 3:00:36 GMT
Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol? Geri can.
How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.
What do you call it when a hen looks at a lettuce? A chicken caesar salad.
Did you hear about the man who was sacked from the calendar factory? He took a couple of days off.
What do you call a Mexican whose vehicle has been stolen? Carlos.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs. Still no idea.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Dad: It said on the news that an actress has stabbed someone. Think her name was Reese.
Mum: Witherspoon?
Dad: No, with a knife.
I met some obsessive chess players in a hotel reception, going on about how good they were. They were chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A dad is washing his car with his son. The son says: ‘Dad, can’t you use a sponge?’
I accidentally handed my wife the superglue instead of her lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
My dog can do magic tricks. He’s a Labracadabrador.
Two cats swam the English Channel. They were called One Two Three and Un Deux Trois. Which cat won? One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
A red ship collided with a blue ship. All the sailors were marooned.
A new shop has opened called Moderation. They have everything in there.
Dad: Can I administer my own anaesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead — knock yourself out.
I refused to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I went round to his house all the signs were there.
An apple pie in Jamaica is £1.50, a cherry pie in Barbados is £1.60 and a mince pie in Trinidad is £1.80. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two sailors see an enormous hand come out of the sea. It moves all the way over to one side, then all the way over to the other.
One sailor says to the other: ‘Wow, did you see the size of that wave?’
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But cats can.
Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears? His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked. Clever clogs.
An actress got a part playing a very small mother. She was paid the minimum wage.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other: ‘Can you smell fish?’
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman? Snowballs.
Lots of cars in a multi- storey car park have been broken into. That’s wrong on so many levels.
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
A neutron walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says he won’t take its money: ‘No charge.’
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
A cartoonist has been found dead. Details are sketc hy .
Why don’t ants get ill? Because they have antibodies.
What should you call a woman whose voice sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
Why do you never hear a psychiatrist go to the loo? Because the ‘P’ is silent.
The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. Their children were nothing to look at.
A pair of jump leads walk into a pub. The barman tells them: ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t go starting anything.’
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was nothing left but de brie.
I gave my dad his 50th birthday card. He said: ‘One would have been enough.’
How do you organize a party in space? Plan it.
Two TV aerials got married. The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff? Tequila.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? ‘Bison.’
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
Did you hear about the greedy clock? It went back fo ur seconds.
What do you call a man who can’t stand up? Neil.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Why did the wedding cake need a tissue? Because it was in tiers.
I keep having a nightmare where I’m a marquee, then one where I’m a teepee. The doctor says I’m too tense.
I once bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
Why do bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.
How do you stop a baby lettuce from crying? Rock it.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own? Because it was two tyred.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
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Post by Nats on Aug 5, 2019 4:02:08 GMT
A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
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Post by Nats on Aug 5, 2019 4:06:48 GMT
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?’
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.’
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!
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Post by Nats on Aug 6, 2019 1:51:04 GMT
A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in
California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this
past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to
see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at
only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled
and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make
sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the
old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile…
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Post by Nats on Aug 10, 2019 2:27:11 GMT
teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment complex. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
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Post by Nats on Aug 18, 2019 0:45:52 GMT
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of
his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it."
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Post by Nats on Sept 7, 2019 0:23:08 GMT
acinda walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure Sister. Could you please show me your ID?"
Jacinda:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am jacinda Adern, leader of the labour Party and prime minister of New Zealand !!!!"
Cashier:"Yes Sister, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Jacinda : Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Ms Adern, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Jacinda :"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look ms Adern, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, ms Adern, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Jacinda stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Ms Adern?
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Post by Nats on Sept 10, 2019 3:07:19 GMT
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local WINZ welfare office to pick up his dole.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job, I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to um... satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me???"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
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Post by Nats on Sept 10, 2019 4:31:35 GMT
THIS IS AN ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER RECEIVED BY THE IRISH PASSPORT OFFICE-----HILARIOUS! 😂😂😂
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and I am losing the will to live. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a fucking satellite dish from them back in 1995, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was fucking born and on what date.
For fuck sake, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my PPS card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight fucking passports I've had, before being allowed off the plane over the last 50 years, and all those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologise, because I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this shit! You send back the application form to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!
What the fuck is going on?
Do you have a bunch of neanderthal arseholes working there? Look at my fucking picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go and park my arse on some nice sandy beach somewhere and would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
Well, I have to sign off now, because I have to go to the other end of the fucking country to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of €30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too fucking easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why?
We couldn't smile if we wanted to
Because we're totally hacked off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive work all over the world, and here in Ireland
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!
Gobshites!!!
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Post by Nats on Sept 10, 2019 22:45:16 GMT
Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession. As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
The mother was puzzled at first… she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size’
she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
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Post by Nats on Sept 12, 2019 23:55:42 GMT
I hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. 😕
** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place last night (I won't name them) just picked it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought "what is that?!!!
Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
Remember to laugh...its Friday 13th people.
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Post by Nats on Sept 17, 2019 4:14:08 GMT
Satnav – A new poem by Pam Ayres.
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
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Post by Nats on Sept 22, 2019 23:07:00 GMT
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
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Post by Nats on Sept 26, 2019 23:21:12 GMT
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
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Post by Nats on Feb 18, 2020 0:31:38 GMT
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God’s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
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Post by Nats on Mar 5, 2020 5:53:40 GMT
4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)
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Post by Nats on May 25, 2020 23:38:45 GMT
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked
the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your Robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father,
no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'
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Post by Nats on May 26, 2020 5:31:28 GMT
A cat died and went to Heaven:
God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said. “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said.
“All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”
God said. “Say no more.”
Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven. with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said. “Well, we have had to run all of our lives from cats, dogs and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”
God answered, “It is done.”
All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked.
“Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”
The cat replied. “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little ‘Meals-on-Wheels’ that You have been sending over are deliciou
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Post by Nats on May 30, 2020 21:41:37 GMT
This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
WIFE : “What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
HUSBAND : “Definitely not!”
WIFE : “Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
HUSB : “Of course I do.”
WIFE : “Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
HUSB : “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE : “U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB:(makes audible groan)
WIFE : “Would U live in our house?”
HUSB : “Sure, it’s a great house”
WIFE : “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSB : “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE : “Would U let her drive my car?”
HUSB :”Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE : “Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSB : “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE : “Would U give her my jewellery?”
HUSB : “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE : “Would she wear my shoes?”
HUSB : “No, she’s size 5.”
WIFE : — silence —
HUSB : “Shit”...
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Post by Nats on Jun 1, 2020 0:47:02 GMT
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... 😭😭😭😭😭😢😢😢😢
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend
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