Funnies

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips.

A couple decided that the only
way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the
apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running
report on
what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood
on the balcony
and reported on everything that was happening. "A
police car has just
called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are
taking delivery of a
new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having
sex." Hearing this, the
boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do
you know the Mitchells are
having sex?" "Because their kid is
standing on the balcony too.

THE SIX KINDS OF SEX
PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural."
"I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
SEX & ARGUMENTS
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary
The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly.

An alcoholic, a sex addict and a pothead, all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from earth and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods.
Satan first approaches the alcoholic, What is it that you would like to have, to which the alcoholic responds, I want the finest brew, wine and liquor you can get me?. Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine and of course the purest grain alcohol, each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste; a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, WHOOA WHO!! in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks What is it that you would like to have?, to which the sex addict responds WOMEN! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!. Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge chests, some with small, some with big behinds and some with small, some tall with never ending legs and some short, All of the women are hot, naked and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets into action and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks. What is it that you would like to have?, to which the pothead responds, Well, that's easy! I want the best weed you got. Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pot head was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style (like with his legs crossed), took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looks at him curiously, shuts the door and locks it.
**ONE HUNDRED YEARS PASS**
Satan returns to the first room (remembering the alcoholic), unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming 'HELP!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!'. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan then returns to the second room (remembering the sex addict), unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.
Satan finally arrives at the third and final room (remembering the pothead), unlocks and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched, just as dank as the day he left them.
Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed.
So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, Hey, What's wrong?.
A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies,
'GOT A LIGHTER?😂

After 60 years together, the couple’s three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency with a patient at the hospital, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello, and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years, your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said almost in unison, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "Cheap ones, too."