Funnies

Little Jim and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jim goes
to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Jim bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Jim, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Jim replies, "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're
not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Jim instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so
that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Jim has put so much thought into this. "Well,
Jim, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one
more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little
children of your own?"
Jim just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you, sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes, and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'🧞‍♂️😎😂

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing:
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said. "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied. "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said. "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day

De luck of de Irish . . . . .
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft..
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorra,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis de nectar of de gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.

A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man.”

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours.

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the fuck is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your fuckin’ lottery ticket wet, do we??"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over the hallway carpet. He continued, "And if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat what's left." "Well," the old lady said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the power got cut off this morning."

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house “: "Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget."And so Billy did. And he head over to the girl's place. After a chat and some drinks, things got saucy." Wait" she said, "In order to continue, you have to pass a test." She then removed her shirt, proclaiming "My breasts! Pure and untouched. Only the sun on beach days had ever had a feel of them"She then removed her skirt. "My thighs. Pure and touched by no one. Only the wind on breezy days has ever felt their softness."Finally, she removed her panties. "And last, my vagina, pure and untouched. No one has ever felt its warmth, nor the wind nor the sun. So tell me, Billy, should I let you feel my body? Are you capable to match my purity?""Sure", he claims as he pulls downs his pants, "I am so pure and untouched, my willy is still in the the wrapper"