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Post by Nats on Mar 26, 2021 21:14:24 GMT
wo army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy – there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Davy.
“No, we’s sergeants now,” says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But, we’s privates,” says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!” says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”
Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Davy,” he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!”
“Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!”
Oh, Frankie!
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Post by Nats on Apr 5, 2021 23:44:24 GMT
John hoisted his beer mug and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She asked, “what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies at the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said,
“Yes he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come…!!
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Post by Nats on Apr 21, 2021 0:37:09 GMT
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
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Post by Nats on Apr 25, 2021 20:53:18 GMT
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets
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Post by Nats on Apr 26, 2021 21:08:51 GMT
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake. The moral of the story is: When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and  are not to be despised either. This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter. Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach! |
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Post by Nats on May 17, 2021 22:20:22 GMT
George, the bartender, asks the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' Hillbilly answers, 'Ah, I'll have a scotch, please.' George hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be $7.60,' to which the Hillbilly splutters, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' Roger, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to George, the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, 'OK, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me ever catch you in here again.' The next day, the Hillbilly again, walks into the bar. George glowers and rasps, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! 'The Hillbilly smiles and says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' George looks at the Hillbilly closely and mutters, 'I'm sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. 'The Hillbilly, without missing a beat says, 'Thank you, bartender. Make it a scotch.'
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Post by Nats on May 18, 2021 0:51:02 GMT
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRD."
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Post by Nats on May 18, 2021 2:06:40 GMT
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats." Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the the bathroom yelling " fucking, fuck ,fuck ,Fuck" " what does that mean dad?" And his dad yells " cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says " Hey bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey.
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Post by Nats on May 18, 2021 2:12:43 GMT
DO YOU KNOW WHY THE LIGHT GOES ON AND OFF! The Night Light An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight. He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off? "Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's pissin' in the refrigerator again!" |
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Post by Nats on Jul 18, 2021 23:58:48 GMT
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."
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Post by Nats on Jul 21, 2021 21:56:15 GMT
A woman get's pulled over by a policeman on the motorway. The ensuing conversation follows:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too
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Post by Nats on Aug 1, 2021 3:23:34 GMT
"So today was surreal.... I was following an ambulance out of town when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right, the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the kerb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops , that’s a serious mistake i thought, so unsure if the ambulance was going to the local hospital, I called the A&E Dept and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance has just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied “No, we’ll just send a toe truck
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Post by Nats on Aug 6, 2021 0:08:01 GMT
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first  . With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight ?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "NO, no. I just can't." "Pleeeeease?..." Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a . Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!" |
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Post by Nats on Aug 12, 2021 23:45:46 GMT
We Old Folks Ain’t Ones for Complaining
Our waists are thick
Our bones are brittle.
Don’t like our dentures
Not even a little.
Our bifocals are broken
Our joints are a creaking
Can’t afford our prescriptions
And the faucet is leaking.
We walk with a cane
And we’re aching and tired
Got electrical problems
Need the whole house rewired.
We’ve lived a long time
Being young is much better
Need to buy more Depends
Or we’ll be a bed wetter.
We’re short on cash
Our memories are waning.
The mortgage ain’t paid
But we old folks ain’t one for complaining.
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Post by Nats on Aug 13, 2021 21:03:41 GMT
I'm older now......and I realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and do you really think I am this witty ?? ...
I actually stole this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, Uncle's cousin's, baby momma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... Lol 😂
And, here's some more I'd like to know:
"Why aren't iPhone/iPad/iPod chargers named Apple Juice"?
And, why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways?
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Post by Nats on Aug 13, 2021 21:53:10 GMT
GOLD MEDAL BLOOPERS:
Olympics commentary that commentators wish they could take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Post by Nats on Aug 18, 2021 22:45:53 GMT
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Post by Nats on Aug 29, 2021 22:09:19 GMT
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Post by Nats on Aug 31, 2021 2:42:22 GMT
·
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."
"I do?" questions the confused youngster.
"Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
"You mean like my other Daddy does?
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Post by Nats on Sept 10, 2021 23:11:23 GMT
ittle Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies. "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
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Post by Nats on Sept 15, 2021 5:02:15 GMT
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
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Post by Nats on Sept 26, 2021 21:36:17 GMT
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. '
Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, you f*****' idiot."
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Post by Nats on Oct 3, 2021 21:00:59 GMT
Graham Martin is in Hospital:
Who the hell is GRAHAM?
Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"
Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."
Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice...
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Post by Nats on Oct 9, 2021 21:45:21 GMT
A Hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom pa what do we do now?".
Thinking that nature would take its course the father said"take her clothes off and then you both get into bed".
The Hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later she's nekid and we're in bed what do I do now?".
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box,his dad asks"did you take your clothes off too?".
"No" his son replies
"Well take off your clothes and get into bed with her ".
The son calls back a few minutes later and says "we're both nekid and in bed what do we do now?".
The fathers patience is quickly running out and he growls"just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pee's!".
The son calls back a minute later"okay pa I've got my head in the toilet bowl now what ?"........
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Post by Nats on Oct 13, 2021 23:33:52 GMT
Bloody Johnny is at it Again 🥳
*The Polite Way to Pee 💦*
During one of her daily classes , a teacher was trying to teach good manners and she asked her students the following question :
"Michael , if you were on a date and having dinner with a nice young lady , how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?"
Michael said : "Just a minute dear , I have to go to pee" .
The teacher responded by saying : "That would be very rude and impolite".
What about you Sherman , how would you say it ?
Sherman said : "I am sorry dear , but I really need to go to the bathroom . I'll be right back" .
That's better , but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table .
And you , little Johnny , can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners ?
Johnny said : "I would say - *Darling , may I please be excused for a moment ? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner .*
*The teacher fainted
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