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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jun 14, 2018 2:23:56 GMT
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Post by andri on Jun 14, 2018 5:37:31 GMT
Txt message from mother to son.
Mother: I'll be late back from work. Before you go out please do the dishes.
Son: But Lisa will be here to pick me up soon.
Mother: Chores before whores.
Son: Mum. Please stop it. OK ill do the dishes geez.
Mother. Thank you.
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Post by Nats on Jun 17, 2018 0:19:11 GMT
Im not saying it's rough where i live but
The Warehouse are selling fathers day cards
in packs of five.
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Post by Nats on Jun 18, 2018 22:51:08 GMT
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
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Post by Nats on Jun 19, 2018 2:38:17 GMT
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!
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Post by Nats on Jun 23, 2018 1:56:45 GMT
A police officer stopped by my farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said "Ok.. Thats all good, but dont go in that field over there"..
The officer verbally exploded saying, " Ma'am , I have the authority of the Government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, the arrogant officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucken badge?!.. This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?"..
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by my big mean bull.. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get smoked before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs..
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!".
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Jun 23, 2018 7:47:31 GMT
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Post by Nats on Jun 28, 2018 4:47:46 GMT
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "No, Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
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Post by andri on Jun 29, 2018 4:20:31 GMT
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "No, Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions." 🤣 |
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Post by Nats on Jul 7, 2018 0:21:30 GMT
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously.
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Oct 23, 2018 14:48:25 GMT
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Post by Nats on Oct 24, 2018 0:52:47 GMT
A husband and wife were experiencing problems after 30 years of marriage. They decided to see a counsellor to resolve their issues. The counsellor asked what the problem was. The wife launched into a huge, passionate tirade on every single issue she’d had for the last three decades. He was neglectful, she explained. There was no intimacy. She felt lonely; unloved; unloveable. She had persevered for so long with her physical and emotional needs unmet, but no more. Enough was enough. The marriage counsellor nodded, got up, walked to the wife and asked her to stand. Suddenly, he embraced her, giving the most passionate, steamy, open-mouthed  she had ever received. It continued for a full minute as the husband watched on benignly. She stumbled backwards into her seat, breathless and dazed. The counsellor turned to the husband and said: “Your wife will need this at least three times a week. Can you manage this?” After a moment’s consideration, the husband replied: “Well I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing”. |
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Post by Nats on Feb 14, 2019 23:17:09 GMT
London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."
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Post by Nats on Feb 15, 2019 21:27:19 GMT
Daughter's Vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Post by Nats on Apr 29, 2019 1:08:47 GMT
CAN THE ADMINS DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE, PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATE MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES, ALONG WITH CLOSEUPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE'S OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BY IT BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
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Post by Nats on May 2, 2019 22:03:46 GMT
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
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Post by Nats on May 19, 2019 23:15:00 GMT
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time
to get married again. She put an ad in the local
paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the
door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or
legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
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Post by Nats on May 21, 2019 22:52:36 GMT
So, my phone was "stolen" last night and I decided to give it a ring.
*ringing*
*ringing*
*ringing*
*ringing* Hello?
Me i(in my best Liam Neeson voice) "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have, are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you return my phone now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
*pause*
This is the bartender at O'Malleys. You must have left your phone here last night. Pick it up whenever you want!!.
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Post by Nats on May 24, 2019 7:32:30 GMT
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Post by Nats on May 27, 2019 22:15:52 GMT
The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Te Puna seemed to be far too qualified for the job; given her arts and education degrees from Waikato University and her job as a social worker and a teacher at the local Polytech.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned a Holden station wagon, a Leyland P76,
Supported the Blues for the last 4 years, voted for Labour and bought shares in Dick Smith."
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Post by andri on May 31, 2019 4:18:22 GMT
😂
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Post by Nats on Jun 4, 2019 22:40:39 GMT
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell  Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. |
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Post by Nats on Jun 7, 2019 1:30:11 GMT
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
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Post by Nats on Jun 7, 2019 1:38:07 GMT
A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”
The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.” The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?” Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.”
The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I am going to miss it this time
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Post by Nats on Jun 20, 2019 22:20:31 GMT
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
S ix months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, so I went and bought me a new pickup truck “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion!
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