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Post by Nats on Mar 4, 2018 21:32:26 GMT
ERECTING A SNOWMAN THESE DAYS Sorry it's Long.
It snowed all night, so the morning goes like this:
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snowwoman.
8:15 So, I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbor’s complained about the snowwoman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your ass!!"
8:45 TV news comes by. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and I am immediately called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and its contents thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have colluded with any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: There is no moral to this story......It's just how life is today !!!.
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Post by andri on Mar 5, 2018 1:54:36 GMT
Isn't that the truth. It's like blowing on an ember.
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 6, 2018 2:15:37 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 6, 2018 5:09:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2018 5:11:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2018 5:49:39 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 7, 2018 22:22:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 22:23:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2018 23:09:46 GMT
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Post by Imbannedeverywhere on Mar 8, 2018 3:47:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2018 22:05:58 GMT
Not sure that this is meant to be funny but I laughed anyway.  |
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Post by Nats on Mar 14, 2018 23:12:52 GMT
I get what you mean
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Post by Nats on Mar 28, 2018 22:00:13 GMT
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
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Post by Nats on Mar 30, 2018 22:31:55 GMT
A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Billy T James <3
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Post by Nats on Mar 30, 2018 23:40:43 GMT
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was… God! I miss him!
… But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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Post by mab on Mar 31, 2018 6:27:11 GMT
Bit in poor taste using kids in the vid, but the rest is funny....
I have heard the youtube pranks of a couple of guys ringing liquor stores about Dicksons Cider and Cummings cider, rather funny
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2018 6:33:08 GMT
 you should get some mab 
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Post by Nats on Apr 1, 2018 2:13:24 GMT
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking, “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.”
The old lady is thinking, “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”
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Post by Nats on Apr 1, 2018 2:17:13 GMT
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.
The grandma thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 6:20:01 GMT
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Post by Nats on Apr 1, 2018 18:56:37 GMT
No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2018 0:39:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2018 0:49:06 GMT
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Post by Nats on Apr 9, 2018 21:37:43 GMT
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
The pastor fainted.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2018 2:19:03 GMT
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