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I prefer the second column

George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless.

The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.

That very evening, Fred noticed that George's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George's wife in the act of performing 'oral'.

The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife going down on you last night."

George laughed. "Ha ha ha! Liar! I wasn't even home last night."

Well kick me in the dick and call me Rick, have I got a story that will make you think twice about having kids.
So since the wife and I separated 8 months ago my awesome mother helps me out 3 days a week with the kids. She is by far the best mum and my god would I be lost without that legend of a human.
So tonight was like any other night I have the kids. I walk in around 6:30. Kids are running around flat out, mum looks like she has gone nine rounds with a tiger on ice and there is a lovely smell of a home cooked meal coming from the oven.
First words out the old girls mouth was here take your kids, I’m going to my room for five minutes! Me being the appreciative son I am says of course mother dearest go put your feet up, I’ll take the kids for a bath tub. Mum sings out to me and says leave the water in the tub after the kids are done so she can have a soak and wash away the 10 hours of punishment my kids have just put her through. So I let the kids thrash around the tub for awhile and have a good old time. I even added just the right amount of bubble bath. You know the amount you put in where you wonder if the kids are still in there or not. Anyway it was time to get these drowned rats out and ready for bed. I let mummio know that the bath was all hers and to maybe take an EPIRB in case she got lost in the bubbles. So I’m dressing the kids and I hear mum get into the tub. She goes ahhhh this is nice.
A few seconds past and then the night took a turn for the worst. Mum screamed at the top of her lungs DANIEL!!!!! Well fuck me did i freak out! The last time I heard mum scream my name like that was when I was 13 years old and accidentally set the back yard on fire. I tell you she scared me that much I didn’t know if I should answer her or quickly pack a night bag and high tale it. Next minute i hear her dry reaching. So I thought shit I better investigate. I walked towards the door with my heart racing. I thought any second now this woman is gonna fly out of there with a wooden spoon and smack my arse till I’m coughing up splinters. I say what’s wrong mum. She said your bloody children have taken a shit in the bath water!! Now you’re probably pissing yourself at this point but I tell you now it was no laughing matter. Mum swings the door open and gives me a look that made me wish I had just set the back yard on fire. There she was wrapped in a towel, cover in bubbles and smelling like she just fallen out the back of cattle truck. It gets worst... because I decided to put enough bubble bath in to wash a road train, she couldn’t find the soap on the bottom of the bath so she just felt around for it. Instead of picking up a cake of soap, she ,she.. you guessed it! She picked up a cake of shit! The woman literally rubbed herself down with a cake of shit!
It was by far the grossest, funniest night of my life! It’s been an hour already and mum is still there washing herself down in detol.

Ahhhh kids. Gotta love em.

Oh if you hear of any Nanny’s chasing work I may be after one.

That's filthy ladies.

Parental double standards


Child spits out food

Mum says " we don't spit it's in your mouth you swallow"

Dad raises his eyebrows

Mum says to dad " shut the fuck up"

I dont get these jokes

still dont get it